Today me my sister and her fiancé moved into a new apartment. We were so excited that we had finally gotten out of the situation we were in. But when we got here it turns out the apartment was far smaller than we were expecting. We have already gone through and thrown away clothing we no longer need in order to make space. Today has been really stressful and all I want is to turn this place into a home. Right now though instead of feeling like this is our new home I just feel stressed over learning to bike and trying to get things done. Knowing my anxiety until the apartment is finished ill keep feeling this way. I just want to sleep and hope its all better tomorrow.
My birthday was October 7th. I had a great time, and I got a lot of really good memories from it, one of my favorites being coming home from a crap day at work to singing and the best cake I’ve ever had. My sister and her fiance are my roommates and family. They did everything they could to make my birthday and the week leading up to it just amazing.
This really is amazing given all the stress we have been under. We recently paid our last month of rent here, and will be moving on the 18th. Money is tight and today we packed up most of our electronics. This next week and a half will be hell but somehow they stopped it all for me, if only for a little bit.
Usually I hate my birthday. It serves as a personal reminder that I could do more.I always ask for money because I can never think of anything I really want and when I get it I usually spend it on food because at the time nothing comes to mind that would be worth getting. The only presents I really enjoy are surprises, something someone else took the time to come up with, even the smallest thing, is amazing to me. My roommates got me a gorgeous tea set that I will probably use until it is so worn they beg me to replace it.
As I mentioned, I usually ask for money and that is mostly what I spent nearly all of it on food, but less just food and more the time to sit and eat with my family. This was not because we don’t have the time to sit and enjoy each others company, but because that time, even made a little better with a nice meal, is more permanent to me then anything I could have bought for just myself.
I guess that is why I find it hard to feel bad about myself this year. Because last year around this time I did not know or care where I was or about much of anything else except to survive. I did not have a job and maybe did not really want one because I did not believe I was going to make any worth of myself.
This year I think of how great our next home is going to be. I hope I keep getting better for the people I love, I never want to disappoint them and the few times I do crush me. I wonder if I will be a good enough uncle if they have kids soon. I wonder if I can do more for myself, just to make me better. I think, wow, we actually made it. Despite all the doubt and pain and lies others said about us, we made it.